the saw movies fascinate me. i do not like them but i read about the traps. i know it's morbid curiosity, but isn't that all saw is? it's like a death proof-of-concept. i don't care about the detectives and the crimes and the clues

in fact, all i would need to be happy with saw would be a guy standing in front of a blueprint going "okay, the dude is in here but he is chained together with live badgers." that's a pretty good idea, a saw trap pitch session

i think it'd go a little something like this

"check it -- this is seriously going to blow your mind. the guy wakes up and he is chained by both arms to the ceiling. he's swinging free. then jigsaw comes on the screen. he says this:

hello. i'd like to play a game. you made a career out of peeing on your neighbor's rose bushes because you didn't like her. now pee is the only thing that can save you. the question is, how much urine are you willing to lose? make your choice.

then the screen turns off and the guy sees a little cup below him that is rigged to a pee-detector. he has to aim super-careful to fill the cup and then the chains will release him if he can do it! if he can't then the room fills with pee and he drowns in pee

no? no good? okay, here's a better one

a girl wakes up in what looks like her bedroom. the tv comes on and it's jigsaw. he says:

hello. i'd like to play a game. you were always the popular one in school, thinking you're better than everyone, that you were alone in your greatness. now you really are alone. live or die, make your choice

so she goes outside and it's her house, but her family is gone. she tries to call a friend but no one picks up. she goes outside and knocks on her neighbors' doors, but no one comes

turns out that jigsaw actually killed everyone else on earth for this loneliness trap! what a trip, right

no? not possible you say

okay, what if jigsaw builds a replica earth that's empty and puts her there and that's why she's alone

okay, next

a guy wakes up and he's sitting at a table. there is a bowl of soup on it and a spoon. attached to the spoon is a pistol

'hello, i'd like to play a game. you always slurp your soup too loud and it's bugging your girlfriend. in this soup along with the noodles and carrots you'll find some bullets at the bottom of the bowl. you have to find these bullets to load the gun with. once you do you have to shoot yourself because if you don't before time runs out i'll send a wild dog into the room'

wait what... you're asking why he wouldn't just use the bullets and the gun on the wild dog? hrm"

whew, that was exhausting. i guess i better leave making death-fetish pornography to the experts.

i mean horror movies, sorry, i got confused

11 Comments:

alex b. said...: yeah, I don't really get the torture porn thing either.; April 23, 2008 12:44 PM
karloff said...: This post has been removed by the author.; April 23, 2008 4:26 PM
karloff said...: I was wrong and I retract my statement.

I do however feel fans of this strip should adopt the name "chainsawsuitors".; April 23, 2008 4:41 PM
Robert Hutchinson said...: murderhaus!

(only with an umlaut that I'm too lazy to add); April 23, 2008 6:51 PM
Chivalrybean said...: I've only seen the first Saw movie, and it was considerably better that I was expecting. I was expecting all blood and gore, and it was a lot more psycho-logical.

One time Brain got everyone to go to a paper mache` earth by saying there was free t-shirts on the other earth, so he ruled earth for a while, but it got boring, and then a comet blew up the real earth so he actually saved it.

I had another thing to say, but, I forgot it.; April 23, 2008 10:34 PM
snerd said...: The joke's on you, because Dr Murder always commits murder!

Sonofabitch!; April 23, 2008 11:33 PM
Bitcloud said...: Jigsaw comes on the screen at Alanis Morrisette's place...

Next thing she knows she's trapped in a white canvas prison with a thousand spoons on the ground and a thousand more pouring down from above...
in order to escape she needs to find the single knife - or die suffer the fatal consequences of not very good irony...; April 24, 2008 12:00 AM
Chadhulhu said...: Yeah, leave that stuff for the snuff freaks, give me The Shining, pyscho, etc. Do we really need Hostel 3 or Saw 5?; April 24, 2008 5:35 AM
FURYPANTS said...: I'd honestly get it in the cup.; April 25, 2008 9:28 AM
zgeycp said...: The hypothetical pitch session guy is probably Chex.; April 25, 2008 4:02 PM
mr. dude said...: I didn't know anyone else did the whole "don't watch the Saw movies at all but are interested in the traps (and have wasted a lot of time dorking around Wikipedia on such things)" schtick too! I AM NO LONGER ALONE; April 27, 2008 11:54 PM

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

sawn

11 Comments: